John Player Reviews: Fame

3/3/17

Directed by Peter Zogby and Chloe Sciore with musical direction provided by Spencer Birch and technical direction by Benjamin Rogers. The entirely student produced musical Fame had its ups and its downs. Without getting picky about the script, there were numerous stand out performances among the cast, ones that made me rethink the place Natick has in the drama community. Upon walking into the Natick High School lobby I was immediately impressed by the crowd, the student play had amassed. The marketing team surely deserves a pat on the back. Initially I thought it would have been a sure thing for me to pick out a kingpin seat and comfortably view opening night. That’s why I was left regretting my decision to not show up earlier for tickets, when I sat down in one of the farthest rows back. Although my considerable distance from the stage I felt like I was right on the lip, I could even hear the actors breathing. Yes… It’s true, there were technical difficulties involving the audio of some of the principal characters. The muffled breathing that was heard consistently throughout the first act was distracting and robbed the audience of some of the punchlines, which led the pit band to drown out the vocals.

Luckily, the audience caught a glimpse of the talent that was so close to persevering throughout the whole play very early on. I immediately smirked at Brendan O’Laughlin’s (Loughlin’s) character who came off as narcissistic and full of air. Gabi Dixon played Carmen’s sarcastic and dominating personality with realism from the start, and it would be a crime to ignore Simon Safran’s charisma. Following the first few scenes the audience began to warm up to the characters and it felt that the rest of the performers did too. Once the problematic mics were accepted as is, and the mania of opening night calmed down, its production began to find its tempo. Fame’s ascent to a strong performance began with the song by the same name, well, “There She Goes! /Fame” technically. But regardless of the semantics, I’m remised to announce that the play only continued this streak until the fourth song in the second act, after that it began to lose momentum. The energy built up in “There She Goes! /Fame” and the virtually all the subsequent songs until that second act song was fantastic. Here was where Tony Jeanlys’s Tyrone, really began to steal the show. Not only was his story compelling, but the ease he brought to the stage immersed the audience and allowed for many moments where the older women around me loudly cackled. Jeanlys’s comfort with physical contact/closeness and taboo (sexual) subjects in this show provided a startlingly realistic teenage character. Kate Riley’s Mabel also began to open up into a deeper character here as she was given stage time for something other than comedic relief, even having her own song “Mabel’s Prayer” which was probably my personal favorite.

On the topic of good character performances in Fame the entire ensemble lends a hand to the immersion of the production. Not to pick favorites, but someone who I felt consistently showed effort in his scenes was the same kid who successfully pulled off a split in front of a full house of people; Clay Napurano. Unfortunately, the atmospheric tone set by the ensemble can only go so far. Many scenes were left feeling awkward with nothing to look at because of the lack of choreography. While the dance routine that was repeated three times throughout the show was pretty spot on, you would have to expect it considering the amount it must have been practiced. I also noted that in the slower parts of the musical I was more drawn to Spencer Birch’s explosive and dramatic music direction than what was happening onstage, and would often find myself getting lost in the instrumentals rather than the onstage performances.

I truly applaud the people that made this entire production possible, not only the people who ‘gave birth’ to the idea of putting on Fame. But also the faculty that allowed a play this risqué to be put on within their hollow grounds. I am honestly, a little surprised, and I’m not quite sure they knew what they were getting into, but I guess it’s too late now. Overall, The student production of Fame serves as a testament to the abilities of students in this school. Not only in singing and acting, but also in theater production. Directors Chloe Sciore and Peter Zogby have definitely achieved a difficult task in staging their own performance for an audience as big as the one it got. I would recommend to as many people as possible to go see “Fame”. As the pros outweigh the cons, and most of the cons that do exist are fixable. However, the show closes the day after it debuts so promotion on my part would be a difficult task. Judging by the first night, if I encourage any more people to go see Saturday’s showing chances are they’ll end up being turned away.

Top Ten Hit Songs of 2016

Prelude: I don’t think you need anyone else to tell you that 2016 was an awful year. Not just for the world but for pop music. It was like listening to music that wasn’t even there. Such drab and pretentious garbage deserves it’s own list. But that’s not what this list is about. This list is about the pop music that I love…. or at least liked. There is only a few rules for this list:

  1. The song must have made it in the Billboard year-end Hot 100.
  2. If the song got in the top 10 songs of a week at any point in the year but didn’t make Hot 100, it qualifies.
  3. If the song was on a previous year-end Hot 100 it cannot qualify for this year’s list.

So with that said….

Number 10: Ride- Twenty øne Piløts-

You know I’ll be the first to admit that at first I didn’t really like these guys. Twenty One Pilots’ first song gave me the impression that they were trying way too hard. Their first big hit “Stressed out” sounded unfinished and a little condescending. But I think that I finally found something I could grasp with their second big hit “Ride”. If anything it at least addresses one of my bigger issues with their music, which is their neurotic, inane over thinking of everything. It’s like they just write every stupid thought that they have on a piece of paper then send it to Atlantic records. And when I mean they address it, I mean this quite literally. In the outro to the chorus the leader singer literally says “I’ve been think too much, help me”. So, yeah as much I’d like to dismiss the band as a bunch of preening whiny emos, but they clearly have some serious problems with anxiety and a huge fear of becoming irrelevant. Which is at least something. I can relate to that. Especially in 2016. In their last song they were just whining about being adults, but in this song they at least openly admit that they tend to overthink the process of life. This of course culminates in the chorus where they unequivocally state that they are along for the ride, even though they are unsure of it’s journey. It’s a pretty chill song.

Number 9: In the Night- The Weeknd- I’ve had a weird relationship with the artist called “The Weeknd”. I never exactly hated him, but I never liked the way he sang. He always sounded like he was singing from his stomach and couldn’t stand it. Not to mention half of his library is about him being a sexual deviant which, I find hard to believe. I mean he’s from Canada and dating a former disney star. All that said I did really enjoy “Can’t Feel my Face”, which was a pretty simple song about being addicted to cocaine. I’m not sure “In the Night” is as good as that song, but it’s nice hearing an R&B guy being able to sympathize with a girl rather than just speak about her purely in sexual terms. Don’t me wrong, this song is definitely sexual. But it’s not sexy, it’s more of an introspection of the complexity of a sexual relationship. How that often people in that kind of relationship share thoughts and feelings and yet cannot really connect in the same way other couples can. At least I think that’s what it’s about. The Weeknd’s lyrics are always so vague you can almost never tell what he’s actually going for. But even if that’s not what he’s going for, the beat and ferocity of the song stands on it’s own. It’s a good gateway into his next album, which I’m sure will have a song on this list next year. But, not “Starboy” because…. that song is ridiculous.

Number 8: Adventure of a Lifetime- Coldplay- O, Coldplay! How you’ve changed. If you care to go back far enough you might have the same reaction to Coldplay as I did. BOOOOOORRRRINNNNG. No seriously I can’t stand Coldplay’s first two records and their third is almost as bad. But then “Viva La Vida” came out and my opinion started to change. So what I’m trying to say is that I liked Coldplay when they started to sell out. For some reason this song is a part of my soul …Okay that might be going a little far. But as a fan of Disco, I kinda love this record. I even liked their Super Bowl halftime show. You wanna know why? Because behind all the politics and a terrible super bowl game, there was this awesome beat. While Uptown Funk and Beyoncé might have overshadowed them, I, Ben Snyder can appreciate Coldplay deciding to give the people an awesome synth riff. Now sing it: WOOHOO, WOOHOOO, WOOHOO, WOOHOO, WOOOOOHOOO…. (I know I’m lame).

Number 7: I Took a Pill in Ibiza- Mike Posner (SeeB remix)- It’s weird seeing Mike Posner back. If you don’t remember this guy, that’s probably for the best. He had a song in 2010 called “Cooler than Me” and if you think that I’m lame wait until you hear that song. So after that song became a hit, he sort of fell off the map for a few years. He worked a little bit behind the scenes, but otherwise his music career was pretty much dead. Imagine being so uncharismatic that they give one of your songs to Human iPhone: Adam Levine. Anyway, he came back this year in a big way with “I Took a Pill in Ibiza”. It gave Mike Posner a much needed case for why he needs to continue making music. It defined 2016 in a way that not many songs could. It’s bleak undertones of regret and sorrow encapsulate 2016 like no other song could. I am of course talking about the club version which is a billion times more sad, than the god awful acoustic version. I’m glad that someone is always there to fix Mike Posner’s music. So, shoutout to SeeB.

Number 6: Into You- Ariana Grande- People keep trying to convince that Selena Gomez is the hot new thing. I don’t get it. She looks like she’s 10 and sings like she’s 16. Maybe if she released something like “Into You” by Ariana Grande, I would be interested. Not only does this song have a serious groove, but it is by far more sexually visceral than that other song she released “Dangerous Women”. Frankly, Ariana is way more sexy when she isn’t trying. She’s not quite Mariah, but she comes pretty close. Especially in the way she sounds like she just loves singing. I’m tired of hearing singers belting into the mic like they’re singing in a wind tunnel. I just want singers to sing. And boy does she ever.

Number 5: Cake by the Ocean- DNCE- Yes, I do realize this song is quite juvenile. But to hell with that. I like stupid, fun songs and this year was full of bleak, downtrodden music. Now don’t get me wrong, I want my songs to have some depth but I feel like stuff like this isn’t that kind of music. At the end of the day it’s just supposed to make me dance. And I can’t dance. But if I could this is what I would dance to. I’d say my only reservation about this song is the gratuitous swearing. Actually never mind. This is a silly juvenile song and in a year where every song sounded like it needed some prozac; silly and juvenile is completely fine with me. Finally this song is about cake. I know it’s supposed to be some kind of sexual double entendre but it makes way more sense in my mind if it’s just about cake. Cake by the ocean sounds like an awesome time and so is this song.

Number 4: Never Be Like You- Flume feat. Kai- If I could rank beat drops alone this would easily top my list. I didn’t know much about the man who calls himself “Flume” before starting this list, but if this song is any indication, i think we’ll be seeing a lot more of him in the future. There is not much to say about this song other than it was everywhere and I mean everywhere. Don’t expect much analysis from me on this song either. I don’t know much about the genre of EDM, other than that this song speaks to me on a visceral level. Check it out, if you haven’t already.

Number 3 : Sorry- Beyoncé- What is there to really say about Beyoncé that hasn’t already been said? Well for one I’m not really a fan. I’ve never really been drawn to her overtly inhuman way that she kind of shrugs off guys like it’s no big deal. And I understand that, it’s partly the reason people like her, but for me personally; I need some sense of self-awareness and humanity in my music. But, then “Lemonade” was released and everything changed. This was clearly personal, and directed at someone very close to her. It’s anyone’s guess who…. Okay it’s Jay-Z… it doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out. “Sorry” is the culmination of her new concept album and it’s an absolute showstopper. To get the full effect, I’d highly recommend the whole album. It’s worth the money.

Number 2: 24K Magic- Bruno Mars- Is Bruno Mars still an actual artist? I think this is a very good question, but I don’t care to answer it. Bruno Mars has released jam after jam. I no longer give a damn if he’s sold out his artistic integrity or whatever. I just want him to release the same awesome song over and over again. Every time he releases a new song with a few exceptions, they are always a delight. Is he retreading old music? Sure. Should you care? Absolutely not. Okay, okay, “24K Magic” is a bit different from “Uptown Funk”. “Uptown Funk” relied more on a old school instrumental funk beat, while 24K Magic is more based on pure electronics. If “Uptown Funk” is Morris Day, then “24K Magic” is Soul Sonic Force. Never change Bruno.

Honorable Mentions:

Cheap Thrills- Sia: Sean Paul ruined this song for me. I heard the remix first, so now all I can hear is Sean Paul making vague Spanish noises in the background. If I didn’t hear that version first this song might’ve made the list.

Too Good- Drake: Drake has been banned from this year’s list. He ruined last year’s pop music. There have been so many Drake knock-offs, I feel like I’ve been listening to ambient music. But this song is pretty good. Still banned though.

When We Were Young- Adele: I’m sorry to be that guy, but I didn’t like “25”. I actually really like this song, but it doesn’t make much sense in the context of the album.

On My Mind- Ellie Goulding: This would be a pretty good response to Ed Sheeran if she didn’t sound like she still wanted him. Why do people find Ed Sheeran so attractive? I don’t get it.

Closer- The Chainsmokers feat. Halsey: This song would be on the list if it weren’t for it being essentially a commercial for UC Boulder and the U of A. Also…. Mattress stealing.

Broccoli- D.R.A.M feat. Lil Yachty: If I had a worst list, this would also be a honorable mention for that. Every time I hear Lil Yachty say “Let’s turn this s*** to Columbine”, I zone out. That’s possibly the worst line of any song in 2016. But it introduced me to D.R.A.M, so I guess that’s something.

Lush Life- Zara Larsson- This song wasn’t technically a hit, but I absolutely love it.

Kids- OneRepublic- How did this song not become popular? Do people just not want to admit that OneRepublic is starting to make interesting music? Whatever… I liked this song.

AND NOW FOR NUMBER 1:

….

Number 1: Hymn for the Weekend- Coldplay- Screw it. I like Coldplay. And I like Beyoncé. I like the piano intro. I like the slow build. But most of all I like that Coldplay has finally found their niche. Yeah it might not be any kind of high art, but I need this kind of music. I need music to fill a void other than background noise. I need music to be uplifting. Nothing gets me pumped more than waking up to this song. I still can’t believe that it’s Coldplay that released the song of the year. The guys who released “Yellow”… how things have changed. This is the perfect song for the weekend and the perfect song for 2016. OH AI OH AI OH AI I’M FEELING DRUN- Forgot this is going in the school newspaper.

Conclusion: So in conclusion… I hope that pop music in 2017 is more than just background music. I hope is something more visceral and uh… you know what I just hope we’re still alive at the end of the year. Good Night and Good Luck!

Late Night Poetry. Or whatever you would like to call this.

Darwin

Two pigeons fuck at the side of the road,

No one notices.

I fuck at the side of the road,

and it’s life in prison.

Apparently Natural law is different from,

California State law.

All About Chemistry 

I see her,

she’s down the hall,

shit did she see me,

oh shit never mind,

here she comes,

what do I say,

fuck, 

fuck,

fuck,

missed my chance,

I’ll get her one day,

it’s only halfway through the year.

Spring Awakening

The spring leaves blossom,

like the morning dew,

the breeze moves,

such that something inside me awakens,

the flowers grow their pedals,

as do I,

then I go next door,

and those pedals are no more.

Old War

Trump and Putin sitting in a plane,

F-U-C-K-I-N-G,

first comes putin,

then comes trump,

and then the whole damn world,

blows up.

Into the Woods: A Review and Retrospective

 

   Before beginning this review I think it is imperative to note that this is a high school production. Therefore I will not be judging it on the same grounds as a full-on broadway show. I suspect that would be pretty obvious, but I’m sure some of you will immediately take to twitter to complain how I unfairly judged you, which is certainly not going to be the case. If I have any problems with this production it is on those terms.

   Now with that said I quite enjoyed myself while watching this show. There are a few ways to look at the show. First I will be reviewing the performances. I honestly finding it a little silly to critique the performances of teenagers who I am sure are not using the merits of such productions to feed their families. That said I will continue. Going down the list, we of course have to start with Ms. Foley. Is it just me or does she seem to be a little typecasted. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed every role she has taken. But it seems to me that everytime I see her she plays the narrator. In “Our Town” she played the narrator. In the student-run play “Fostered” she played the Foster Mother who in her own way was the narrator in the story. I suspect it has something to do with her calming voice, which I personally think would be quite adaptable to a medium such as audiobook or even a radio show. Either way she does a fine job as usual in this role. Moving along we Cinderella played by Bianca D’Antonio. With a lot of these roles you can often tell which of these people haven’t consistently participated in the school productions. I’m not saying she doesn’t have any musical talent; clearly she does. What I am saying however is that there is a certain refinement that is inhibited by those who participate consistently in the theatre arts that she seems to lack. Either way she made the most of the role given to her and I wish her the best in her future endeavors.

 

   Going down the list we come to the Baker and the Baker’s wife. The Baker is played by my good friend Andy Carlson. Not the most notable performance in the play, but at the same time I am not sure that it is supposed to be. The Baker by most means is the central character, but I see him more as a plot device for Sondheim to work his themes around. That said the Baker does have a lot of work cut out for him considering he probably has the most “songs”. I say “songs” because “Into the Woods” is basically a light opera. Not many of the lines are spoken and most of it just kinda flows much like an opera would. So with that said, Mr. Carlson’s vocal dexterity is quite impressive and I look forward to seeing him in future productions. Next is the Baker’s Wife played by the always lovely, Molly Raddant. I’ll be completely honest. This one was a shocker to me. It’s not that I didn’t think she could sing or anything. Far from it. But wow did she hit it out of the park with this performance. Ms. Raddant always seemed engaged and had a massive stage presence. Not to mention her vocal ability is spot on and honestly could be compared to a broadway performer. I hope she continues down this path because I think she could honestly become real talent on and off the stage. I hope that wasn’t too much of exaggeration. Moving on, we come to the Stepsisters and the Stepmother; played by Gabi Dixon, Samantha Popp, and Scotia Hille respectively. They honestly did not have enough time on stage for me to make a proper assessment of their individual talents, but they were completely serviceable for what little stage time they had. I feel like I may be spending a little too much time on the performances, so for the rest of them I will try to be a bit more concise.

 When talking about Jack, you have to talk about two things. 1. The Age of the Performer and 2. How he fared despite that. Overall I consider his performance a good effort. With a lot of the freshman performers you can obviously tell that they have not adapted to their voices. You will occasionally hear their voices crack and they miss certain notes that they would normally be able to hit. This is partially the fault of the music director who should probably lower the octave, so the performer does incur vocal strain. But even then you sometimes can’t help the occasional vocal hiccup. Despite that I consider Mr. Kaplan’s performance a good effort by an adapting performer and I’m sure that within the next year this issue will be fixed. That said… There was something I found quite distracting about the wig he was wearing. It was unnatural to say the least. I understand there is a line about his “Carrot Top Hair”, but honestly I’m not sure anyone cares. Here is my suggestion: Get a pen and cut the line out. Trust me, Stephen Sondheim isn’t in the audience, breathing down your neck at every word. Even Tim Burton probably thinks that wig is a little too much. Also if you really wanted to stick to the source material as you will, I think the Wolf might be missing a little something, something. (I would say what that something is, but this might be in the school newspaper… That said Google Images is available for those interested)

  Anywho, Jack’s Mother is played by Isabella Carmenate who puts her best foot forward with a believable performance. Most importantly she seemed like she was having a lot of fun with the role which is something to admire. That could also be said for Little Red Riding Hood played by Jordan McLaughlin, who occasionally suffers the same pubescent problems as Ben Kaplan, but who much like most of her fellow cast members puts forth a lot of energy into her role. She honestly was the most cartoonish of all of the characters which by no means is a bad thing considering that is probably what Sondheim was going for in terms of the cartoonish innocence she exudes. The Witch played by Tessa Hyatt, initially surprised me by deciding not to have a witch voice. Instead she decided to have the voice that reminded me of a girl that attended my Bar Mitzvah. (She kept her normal voice) I eventually got over this and I would be lying if I wasn’t a little impressed by her climbing skills. I have a fear of heights, so anyone climbing over two feet will impress me. Her performance provided that warmth that only a mother could truly convey. How’s that for a compliment? The rest of the performances can kind of be glazed over. Cinderella’s Father and Mother were kind of minor roles. Only the latter really got a decent amount of stage time with her own song. The Mysterious Man is played by Dylan Lavallee who has only a little more stage time than his 4 minute mile. I gotta give a shout out to the Wolf who absolutely killed it with stage presence alone. I don’t know if this was a technical issue or what, but it sounded like he wasn’t singing from his diafragm. I call it “Head Singing”. This often occurs when someone is going through puberty and can’t adjust to their voice. This happened to me in 8th grade too. In a previous version of this review I said that he had no singing ability. I’ll be the first to admit that was a little mean and quite hypocritical. I sometimes forget to realize that there is a difference between constructive criticism and just being plain mean. So I’m sorry about that. The two princes did a fine job with my favorite song “Agony”. I will say I did some investigative work and apparently Spencer Birch was originally slated for the role of Simon Safran’s counterpart. I’m gonna be really honest. The other prince could have used a little more bass. So, I’m not sure the reason behind Mr. Birch declining the role, but I find it odd when people who volunteer to be in a musical decline a role. I hope it was because of academic interference and not because of his ego. No role is too small for anybody. I will say I did find it quite amusing (as a person of lesser height) when one of the characters said something in the realm of Simon having a great amount of height when in reality he was a tad shorter than the person he was attempting to woo. Rapunzel only really had one song, but did play well off of Tessa, in terms of her relationship with the Witch. The rest of the characters did not have enough stage time in order for me to make a proper analysis. That said the chorus did seem like an afterthought, considering they only had like 3 minutes of actual stage time. Now onto the production.

 The stagecraft was fine considering the limited budget they most likely had. I was in an argument the other day with a friend who goes to Walnut Hill. He said that other Public schools had far better production values and that the set seemed a little cheap. But, I think it is important to note that different schools allocate their funds in different ways. So I am sure the students used what they had to their full capability. He also seemed to have been critical of the scene with the Wolf involving shadow puppets. I thought it was quite inventive. I do however have this to say. Wearing black does not mean you are camouflaged. I would have prefered to see the lovely faces of the crew a lot less. How they built the tower like a jungle gym was really a sight to behold when Tessa scaled the behemoth and I’d also like to give a shout out to the people who painted those trees. It’s not that they were anything special, but I know how boring it is to paint things brown. My dad used to paint benches for the Kennedy Middle School musicals. Finally it’s worth noting that the pit band was present. People forget that.

 Now the last part of this review is a retrospective of sorts. First I will be giving my own thoughts on the play itself and then I will be comparing it to other versions I have seen. When it comes to “Into the Woods” I have very little problems with it. It’s classic Sondheim. With it’s timely themes and intricate detail to character. For those who don’t know “Into the Woods” was based on a psychological book to help kids understand adult themes in the form of fairy tales. But if I were to nitpick I would nitpick one small scene. Toward the end of the musical a character cheats on his spouse with another character and then tells that character afterwards that he’s “Only Human”. I’m not sure “being human” really applies to cheating on your spouse. “Being Human” applies to a lot of things I’m not sure having an addiction to adultery is one of them. I understand what he’s trying to get at, but I feel like infidelity is a little more than just a little slip-up. This is resolved by the end as the character breaks up with his wife but it still is a little troubling to say the least. I’m not sure that “cheating is okay as long as you’re happy” is the right message to send to kids… but what do I know. One way it did feel like the movie is that it felt really, really long. I’d suggest bring a neck pillow or sitting in the back row as I did because trust me, you will begin to get antsy. Also this has nothing to do with me having a short attention span. I sat through all 3 Hours and 20 mins of “Malcolm X”, so I’m pretty sure that’s not it. Sometimes I’m not sure the play knows when it’s dragging, but it definitely does. I did however see a version when I was about 9. This version had Natick High Alum, Jake Venet as the Baker and was performed at Kennedy Middle School. To be completely honest I’m pretty sure that whole wolf scene (and most of the play for that matter) went over my head since I was too young to comprehend such things. I miss being 9. Everything seemed so innocent back then.

Editor’s Note: Many of you probably have been wondering about my recent health. I am doing fine. I just needed to have a little pep back in my step. Your boy Benny is back folks. Fired up and ready to go. Columbia here I- (Looks at GPA) UConn here I come!!!!

 

Ben Snyder Recipes: Satan’s Baked Goodies

Ingredients:

1 Can of Pillsbury Croissant Dough

1 Box of Spaghetti

1 Bottle of Jam

2 Packets of Beef Jerky

2 Pita Bread

1 Good iTunes Playlist

1 Teenage Psychopath

Instructions:

Step 1. Make sure you wash your hands because no one in your french class wants ebola.

Step 2. Get a highly intelligent group of honors physics make an attempt to open the dough can by smashing it against the wall until they then realize that there is a small tab on the exterior of the can that says “OPEN”.

Step 3. Kick those asshole honors physics students out of your house.

Step 4. Get a cooking sheet and make eight balls of dough out of the current dough.

Step 5. BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THAT DOUGH LIKE ITS SOME DOUCHY ASS DOUGH. While doing this make sure Mozart is playing in the background.

Step 6. Open the jar of jam. I chose grape but, you can choose whatever hipster-ass flavor you’d like.

Step 7. Lightly spread the jelly on the dough as if you are shaving a baby’s pubic hair.

Step 8. Grab a pot.

Step 9. Pour some tap water into said pot.

Step 10. Put pot on stove.

Step 11. Put cooking pot on stove.

Step 12. Turn that stove up to whatever temperture sounds the hottest. (I chose 375 degrees Farenheit.)

Step 13. Put pasta in pot.

Step 14. Put pasta in cooking pot.

Step 15. Leave it there until it boils over and you start shouting “FUCCCKKK!!!!!”

Step 16. Grab the beef jerky, open it, and then jizz in your pants from the smell.

Step 17. Clean that shit up.

Step 18. Change the soundtrack to something more frenchy like “Alor on Danse” or some shit.

Step 19. “FUCCCKKK!!!!!”

Step 20. Lightly apply beef jerky as if you are some kind of bad plastic surgeon trying to restore Queen Elizabeth II.

Step 21. Change the soundtrack again because you then realize the girl you used to like, likes this artist and you can’t have that. Therefore we’ll change it to Semisonic….. And if you don’t Semisonic… You don’t like music….

Step 22. Take pasta out of pot.

Step 23. Take pasta out of cooking pot.

Step 24. Place spaghetti on the dough thingamajig and sit there pondering…. Why…..

Step 25. Place it in the oven and call one of the honors physics students to ask them what temperature you should set it at. They of course say 375 and then they hang up because all honors physics students are assholes.

Step 26. Sit and listen to that one Semisonic song that is about masturbation.

Step 27. Realize that there is notably something missing while incessantly staring at some kind of homogenized pita bread. EUREKA! PITA BREAD IS THE FINAL INGREDIENT.

Step 28.  Stack pita bread on top of whatever undeniable mess you have created.

Step 29. Wait.

Step 30. Realize your loneliness is a result of this.

Your Job is Complete.

This is approx. what it should look like:

 

Bon Appétit!

Song of the Day: Tous les mêmes by Stromae

Ben Snyder Recipes: Last Minute Pie

Reason for making it: Speech Team Bake Sale

Ingredients Needed:

1 Dole Fruit Cup

1 Jar of Fluff

1 Jar of Peanut Butter

1 Packet of Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

1 Doritos Bag

1 Can of Mountain Dew

1 Pie Crust

1 Lonely, Depressed Freshman

Steps:

Step 0: Go to your local convenience store to get all of these ingredients

Step 1: Wash your hands because who knows the last time you touched your genitals.

Step 2: Get a Spoon.

Step 3: Put the spoon to the side because we all know you’re never going to use that spoon or really any utensil at all.

Step 4: Start bumping those tunes. Preferably either Bee Gees or one of Paul McCartney’s solo records.

Step 5: Open the can of Mountain Dew and pour as much as needed to give it that extra kick of loneliness and impending diabetes.

Step 6: Apologize to all diabetics for that tasteless joke.

Step 7: Every pie must have a fruit. And for the sake of this pie it’s….. Peaches. Everyone’s 10th favorite fruit.

Step 8: After realizing there isn’t enough fruit, decide to not give a shit and continue to the next step.

Step 9: Add some Semi-Sweetness to that bitch by adding some of those Tu’Bishvat chocolate chips that tastes like a camel’s anus.

Step 10: Try one to see if it actually tastes like literal asshole.

Step 11: Find out that it does and digest that asshole anyway.

Step 12: Add peanut butter so, Luke Vrotsos won’t touch it.

Step 13: Next add peanut butter’s red headed cousin, Fluff.

Step 14: Make sure to use your hands so, it will be funny when you tell this story to your friends.

Step 15: Pound down that fluff to make that shit solid

Step 16: Read “50 Shades of Grey”

Step 17: Garnish it with Spicy Doritos to compliment the Mnt. Dew.

Step 18: Shove that bitch in the oven.

Step 19: Shove the pie in the oven.

Step 20: Apologize to feminists for another tasteless joke.

Step 21: Set the oven to 360 and pass the time by blogging about it.

Step 22: Add More Doritos to spice it up.

Step 23: If that blog is finished just listen to “Live and Let Die” to pass the time.

Step 24: Before opening the oven, recite a Julia Childs cooking show.

Step 25: Actually apologize to everyone for making this pie.

Step 26: Stare at it in discontent while drinking the rest of the Mnt. Dew.

Step 27: Put it in the fridge

Step 28: YEAH WOMANS EQUAL PAY!!!!! FIGHT THE POWER!!!!! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!!!!!!

Step 29: Re-think your life choices and why you’re so single.

Your Job is Complete.

This is roughly what it should look like:

image-1

Bon Appétit!

Song of the Day: Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney