Ben Snyder Recipes: Satan’s Baked Goodies


1 Can of Pillsbury Croissant Dough

1 Box of Spaghetti

1 Bottle of Jam

2 Packets of Beef Jerky

2 Pita Bread

1 Good iTunes Playlist

1 Teenage Psychopath


Step 1. Make sure you wash your hands because no one in your french class wants ebola.

Step 2. Get a highly intelligent group of honors physics make an attempt to open the dough can by smashing it against the wall until they then realize that there is a small tab on the exterior of the can that says “OPEN”.

Step 3. Kick those asshole honors physics students out of your house.

Step 4. Get a cooking sheet and make eight balls of dough out of the current dough.

Step 5. BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THAT DOUGH LIKE ITS SOME DOUCHY ASS DOUGH. While doing this make sure Mozart is playing in the background.

Step 6. Open the jar of jam. I chose grape but, you can choose whatever hipster-ass flavor you’d like.

Step 7. Lightly spread the jelly on the dough as if you are shaving a baby’s pubic hair.

Step 8. Grab a pot.

Step 9. Pour some tap water into said pot.

Step 10. Put pot on stove.

Step 11. Put cooking pot on stove.

Step 12. Turn that stove up to whatever temperture sounds the hottest. (I chose 375 degrees Farenheit.)

Step 13. Put pasta in pot.

Step 14. Put pasta in cooking pot.

Step 15. Leave it there until it boils over and you start shouting “FUCCCKKK!!!!!”

Step 16. Grab the beef jerky, open it, and then jizz in your pants from the smell.

Step 17. Clean that shit up.

Step 18. Change the soundtrack to something more frenchy like “Alor on Danse” or some shit.

Step 19. “FUCCCKKK!!!!!”

Step 20. Lightly apply beef jerky as if you are some kind of bad plastic surgeon trying to restore Queen Elizabeth II.

Step 21. Change the soundtrack again because you then realize the girl you used to like, likes this artist and you can’t have that. Therefore we’ll change it to Semisonic….. And if you don’t Semisonic… You don’t like music….

Step 22. Take pasta out of pot.

Step 23. Take pasta out of cooking pot.

Step 24. Place spaghetti on the dough thingamajig and sit there pondering…. Why…..

Step 25. Place it in the oven and call one of the honors physics students to ask them what temperature you should set it at. They of course say 375 and then they hang up because all honors physics students are assholes.

Step 26. Sit and listen to that one Semisonic song that is about masturbation.

Step 27. Realize that there is notably something missing while incessantly staring at some kind of homogenized pita bread. EUREKA! PITA BREAD IS THE FINAL INGREDIENT.

Step 28.  Stack pita bread on top of whatever undeniable mess you have created.

Step 29. Wait.

Step 30. Realize your loneliness is a result of this.

Your Job is Complete.

This is approx. what it should look like:


Bon Appétit!

Song of the Day: Tous les mêmes by Stromae


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