Ben Snyder Recipes: Last Minute Pie

Reason for making it: Speech Team Bake Sale

Ingredients Needed:

1 Dole Fruit Cup

1 Jar of Fluff

1 Jar of Peanut Butter

1 Packet of Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

1 Doritos Bag

1 Can of Mountain Dew

1 Pie Crust

1 Lonely, Depressed Freshman

Steps:

Step 0: Go to your local convenience store to get all of these ingredients

Step 1: Wash your hands because who knows the last time you touched your genitals.

Step 2: Get a Spoon.

Step 3: Put the spoon to the side because we all know you’re never going to use that spoon or really any utensil at all.

Step 4: Start bumping those tunes. Preferably either Bee Gees or one of Paul McCartney’s solo records.

Step 5: Open the can of Mountain Dew and pour as much as needed to give it that extra kick of loneliness and impending diabetes.

Step 6: Apologize to all diabetics for that tasteless joke.

Step 7: Every pie must have a fruit. And for the sake of this pie it’s….. Peaches. Everyone’s 10th favorite fruit.

Step 8: After realizing there isn’t enough fruit, decide to not give a shit and continue to the next step.

Step 9: Add some Semi-Sweetness to that bitch by adding some of those Tu’Bishvat chocolate chips that tastes like a camel’s anus.

Step 10: Try one to see if it actually tastes like literal asshole.

Step 11: Find out that it does and digest that asshole anyway.

Step 12: Add peanut butter so, Luke Vrotsos won’t touch it.

Step 13: Next add peanut butter’s red headed cousin, Fluff.

Step 14: Make sure to use your hands so, it will be funny when you tell this story to your friends.

Step 15: Pound down that fluff to make that shit solid

Step 16: Read “50 Shades of Grey”

Step 17: Garnish it with Spicy Doritos to compliment the Mnt. Dew.

Step 18: Shove that bitch in the oven.

Step 19: Shove the pie in the oven.

Step 20: Apologize to feminists for another tasteless joke.

Step 21: Set the oven to 360 and pass the time by blogging about it.

Step 22: Add More Doritos to spice it up.

Step 23: If that blog is finished just listen to “Live and Let Die” to pass the time.

Step 24: Before opening the oven, recite a Julia Childs cooking show.

Step 25: Actually apologize to everyone for making this pie.

Step 26: Stare at it in discontent while drinking the rest of the Mnt. Dew.

Step 27: Put it in the fridge

Step 28: YEAH WOMANS EQUAL PAY!!!!! FIGHT THE POWER!!!!! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!!!!!!

Step 29: Re-think your life choices and why you’re so single.

Your Job is Complete.

This is roughly what it should look like:

image-1

Bon Appétit!

Song of the Day: Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney

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