Reason for making it: Speech Team Bake Sale
1 Dole Fruit Cup
1 Jar of Fluff
1 Jar of Peanut Butter
1 Packet of Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
1 Doritos Bag
1 Can of Mountain Dew
1 Pie Crust
1 Lonely, Depressed Freshman
Step 0: Go to your local convenience store to get all of these ingredients
Step 1: Wash your hands because who knows the last time you touched your genitals.
Step 2: Get a Spoon.
Step 3: Put the spoon to the side because we all know you’re never going to use that spoon or really any utensil at all.
Step 4: Start bumping those tunes. Preferably either Bee Gees or one of Paul McCartney’s solo records.
Step 5: Open the can of Mountain Dew and pour as much as needed to give it that extra kick of loneliness and impending diabetes.
Step 6: Apologize to all diabetics for that tasteless joke.
Step 7: Every pie must have a fruit. And for the sake of this pie it’s….. Peaches. Everyone’s 10th favorite fruit.
Step 8: After realizing there isn’t enough fruit, decide to not give a shit and continue to the next step.
Step 9: Add some Semi-Sweetness to that bitch by adding some of those Tu’Bishvat chocolate chips that tastes like a camel’s anus.
Step 10: Try one to see if it actually tastes like literal asshole.
Step 11: Find out that it does and digest that asshole anyway.
Step 12: Add peanut butter so, Luke Vrotsos won’t touch it.
Step 13: Next add peanut butter’s red headed cousin, Fluff.
Step 14: Make sure to use your hands so, it will be funny when you tell this story to your friends.
Step 15: Pound down that fluff to make that shit solid
Step 16: Read “50 Shades of Grey”
Step 17: Garnish it with Spicy Doritos to compliment the Mnt. Dew.
Step 18: Shove that bitch in the oven.
Step 19: Shove the pie in the oven.
Step 20: Apologize to feminists for another tasteless joke.
Step 21: Set the oven to 360 and pass the time by blogging about it.
Step 22: Add More Doritos to spice it up.
Step 23: If that blog is finished just listen to “Live and Let Die” to pass the time.
Step 24: Before opening the oven, recite a Julia Childs cooking show.
Step 25: Actually apologize to everyone for making this pie.
Step 26: Stare at it in discontent while drinking the rest of the Mnt. Dew.
Step 27: Put it in the fridge
Step 28: YEAH WOMANS EQUAL PAY!!!!! FIGHT THE POWER!!!!! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!!!!!!
Step 29: Re-think your life choices and why you’re so single.
Your Job is Complete.
This is roughly what it should look like:
Song of the Day: Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney